It's not fair.

Sometimes, we really take for granted what we have, who we have in our lives, and even things that we say. In one second, the meaning of all those things can be changed, and I don't think many of us realize this. Not until it happens, at least. All I'm really saying is... pay attention to how you treat people, especially those you love, because you never know if you'll wake up one day and they'll be gone. You always think... "heyy, it's not going to happen to me..." but then it does, or to someone close to you.

It's only Wednesday.

Unfortunately, for all of us, it is only Wednesday. And I, for one, hate Wednesdays because they are the longest. They are smack dab in the middle of the week. But you see, Monday and Tuesday are just known to be miserable, because thats just the law of the land. Thursday and Friday, on the other hand, are a little better as the exhilerating weekend slowly approaches. And then there's Wednesday, all by itself, stuck in the middle. Like the pathetic middle child. So what is there to say about it? I suppose it would be like asking, so is your Wednesday half empty, or half full?

Mouthfuls Of Blood.

“When you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood.”

Could the Fruit Bats have written these words for me?

In the gears and inner workings of my personality, I am a people pleaser. It gives me great satisfaction to delight and please people I care about. Most of the time, this is a virtuous quality. The exceptions can be brutal though. Sometimes, in front of people I love, I bite my tongue in fear that what I have inside may upset or disappoint my beloved. But you know, it usually just hurts. 

Anybody else hate heat?

Seriously. I'm for the whole, no more snow, decent weather thing, but this is too much. It's exactly why I do not like the sun. It's sticky and steamy and uncomfortable and quite frankly, I'm hating it. Summer is great... at night. When it's warm, but still cool. Right? Every time I have stepped outside today, it's as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of me, and I can no longer breathe. Everyone's greatest fear. One second you can breathe, and the next you can't, and you're dead. That's "heat" in a nut shell if you ask me.

Just makes you cringe, right? This is what I picture when I walk outside.

Pickupedia

So I stumbled across this. It's from Nerve.Com. They have Pickupedia filled with pick-up lines.

My favorite so far is:

(This one only works on a woman holding a baby)

"So, I see you like to fuck."

What is this world coming to?

Excuses, Excuses

Quite often most of my best ideas for work or just stuff in general usually come in a location where I do not have the ability to write them down such as in the shower, while running, or dancing, or when I'm working out. I can never luck out and I have one these profound thoughts or ingenious ideas when I'm with people or when I'm laying on the couch. But this one stuck with me today.


It happened when I was running this morning. Well, if you would like to call it "running." Rather, I was working on the elliptical. So what would you call that? I have no idea, but nevermind.  I always hate the first five minutes. My timing and breathing are off, but once I hit the five minute mark everything kicks in and I can go until the timer on the ellipical starts to slow down. During this morning exercsie, I wasn't really thinking about anything except getting my breathing down. Then a little voice in my head started saying "Aww, my back hurts...do we have to run today...do I really want to run today" ... whine after whine after whine. Then another voice popped into my head and said "man, you will always have an excuse, keep running".


I don't know where that came from, but that little quote, got me thinking. What else do I have an excuse for? Work, social, relationships, money, education, etc... I really ponder upon this. And began to break it down to things I have not done, finished, or accomplished even to the littlest thing like do laundry.
So why haven't I done laundry? Because I have clean clothes. Yet I have a hamper full of dirty laundry. Just because I have clean clothes does not mean I do not have to still do laundry. It was just an excuse. And you know what? I probably still won't do that laundry, even when I'm done here.


When I got to the school this morning I jotted down 25 things have not done and the reason I have not done them. Every single reason was an excuse, not anything physically stopping me from doing them either. That was probably the most productive thing I've done in my chemistry class all year, let me tell you.


For now on I going to use this as a motivator, sure it needs to be tweeked and reframed a little bit, but it has had a positive impact on me. From my point of view: yeah, I will always have an excuse to not do something so why not do it. Maybe.

When muscles fail.

So this is kind of late tonight. Probably because I hate sleeping, only because when I try to sleep, I think. My thoughts should be put off as long as possible, trust me. Anywho, today at dinner, I was sitting at a table eating and day dreaming a bit. A friend, who was next to me turned and asked if I would open her bottle of tea. I tried and failed. She said, 'Oh, don't worry about it'. How embarassing? Right. Yes, she's a wonderful friend whom I do everything with, but it made me wonder how many times this will probably happen again. So, for anyone reading this, never ask me to open anything for you. I will probably fail.
So how do you recover from this? The only thing I can think of is throw the bottle away and say, 'Aw, it's just not ready for the world'. Or perhaps something more clever and witty?

An "infinate" day

Today was one of those relaxing stressful days. Ya know? Things were pretty crappy this morning so Catherine and I went for a long and enjoyable walk. It was sort of euphoric, and exceedingly relaxing. Minus the fact that I forgot to wear stupid sun screen and therefore, being allergic to the sun, am now covered in hives. It was like a movie. We got smoothies, followed some train tracks, and climbed on top of some trains where we sat and talked about our lives. I felt like music should start playing as a camera circled around us, ours voices muted by the carrying tune of a celebratory song. And then I almost fell off and realized how terrified I was of heights. Too bad I forgot that little tidbit.

Athena Nicole.

I just thought I'd share a picture of my beautiful new goddaughter.  Isn't she precious?

Adorable.

So, we had my grandparent's 50th Anniversary Party today and it was wonderful. 200 guests, a crazy entertainer, and some pretty fabulous cake. All and all, a good night. I even teared up a few times during the toasts, and when my stepdad (who is in Iraq) left a voice message for all of us. So after dancing the night away with Catherine Dulan and a large group of "old" people, we departed and left for a blacklight dance. It was fun, for specific reasons that I do not wish to disclose, but honestly, dancing at the 50th was more... what word am I looking for? ...well better. Even more fun? "Teenagers," if you will, seem to find it a necessity to basically have sex right out in the open on the dance floor, which being a normal human being, is not really my thing. But whatever floats your boat I guess, right? But as I said, it was quite a lovely and eventful evening. Until, of course, my five year old cousin, Linnea, sat in my lap and cried and cried because she had to go back home (Ann Arbor) and leave me. It was quite tragic.

If I could dream.

So, I read a book. No surprise, of course. And there was one part that I couldn't stop reading. I think I went back and read it at least twenty times. So I drew it. Because I was bored.

Insomnia.

I can't seem to ever get sleep anymore, so now I shall burn my retinas while staring at this computer screen for a ridiculous amount of time. My mind never seems to settle, and I'm always bumming myself out. Do you ever get that depression phase that falls over you after you have a really good day, or after taking part in an event that was planned for a while? You aren't depressed about that day in particular, but with the fact that it's over. I seem to get that more and more often. You wait for something, and then it happens, and its great, but then it's over, and you're stuck saying to yourself, well, what the hell am I going to do now? It seems like these things that are making me happy, are actually, in the end, depressing me and putting me in quite a foul mood. It's just the weirdest feeling to me, I don't really know how to explain it. So what is there to do really? I think it has to do with my "obsessive" personality. Lovely. So, while I'm rambling on about virtually nothing, I will say goodnight and try to maybe possibly get some sleep, though I doubt it.

Why dance?

Well to start this off, maybe I should explain my title. Light quirks of music, those that enable a dancer to express his or herself completely and fully. So why dance? There's many ways of saying it succinctly and in single sentences. That would be the most effective and philosophically clean way of putting it.  I suppose, to breathe fully, would be my answer. When I'm in the middle of dancing, entwined in some mess or order of movement, I can breathe deeply, with satiated calm. I can tell when I'm satisfied, when I can feel the work of myself and others. There is precious little art in this culture. A place where people can connect to an unnameable experience that is mostly ignored. A place where we can become more complex correspondence through dance. Mostly lost to us is a deep satisfied mystery, a senseless and calm aware of breath, unexplained and critical to our existence. We disintegrate the literal in those places. In these moments I cannot explain what I am doing, or why I am there, or who I am for if not myself. It that's feeling of power and complete confidence that I never have in my everyday life, yet it is my life. As very corny as this all sounds, its so very true. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm putting it into words that you could possibly understand. 


How I'll ever survive if I have to give it up one day, I'll never know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.