Confession.

I thought I was safe.

Instead,

I’m shaking. My bones are rattling.

Tears are leaking out my eyes.

Sadness is etched upon my face.

I look in the giant mirror leaning against our wall, and I see someone shriveled up, rumpled, clothes askew and hair not quite right.

Time to close my eyes. 

Sirius.

“We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.”  -Sirius Black

Fall.

I love fall. Absolutely and whole-heartily.

Late Night Insecurities.

Over a year ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions, caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was insecure. At some point, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities in me against them, pushing them away. Knowing I deserved better, I had the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. My lack of confidence, it lingered. Eventually, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough. It's actually beyond my comprehension. I don't really know what I want, and honestly, I'm scared to death. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize that each day is different and just as difficult.

Made of glass.

Sometimes I do really wonder… “How much longer?”


It’s that feeling that I get in my chest when I realize I’ve just been hiding the truth, that I’ve been hiding from reality. This is the point where I begin to question my faith, question how strong I really am, and this is the point where I choose to break down or just keep it in a little bit longer so I can build up that tolerance, to make that rain dish a little bit bigger to hold in more of those tears I dare not shed.


The hardest part is going to sleep and all that is on my mind is how much longer it’s going to take to break me. But then again, I’ve been so good at keeping myself busy that I don’t even have time to be involved with these fleeting emotions. Maybe. 


At the end of my nights now, I end just sleeping because I’m too damn tired.


And I guess I’m fine with that. Just fine with it. Because I’d rather not cry myself to sleep nor think about how horrible I feel, because I know others have it worse. It's just... the things that trigger these feelings, they would blow your mind.


I'm just going to suck it up and move on, I’ll be okay with it. I hope. I pray.  As long as I do my best to pay back my debt to the world.

Ink.

I’ve been writing in pen again, but somehow every page feels like the beginning of a discarded draft of an honest letter to you. 

Look at me.

Look me in the eye, because I know you’re curious. Turn your face away, because the colors hiding in the blue are too harsh. Weave your gaze deeply into mine, because I know you’re searching. Don’t stare too long at the sun, because the color is too rough. Choose a promise to believe, or trust me blindly and oblivion will embrace you. Fix. Destroy. Ruin. Infect. Medicate.

Thoughts.

I am fragmented
and broken into 
pieces. Like
the lost lonely
sock under
the dresser, I’m 
in the dust, 
coughing.

I could sweep
up this dust, but
what good would
it do? I’d just be
lost in a dust storm, 
and then no one
could see me.

You have to be
rich to afford the 
luxury of staying in bed
all day, for that
is where I wish I 
could be.

Take this confession, 
every day out of bed
for me is like needles to
my feet. They dig in, 
they stay. I just get 
tired of fighting.

It makes what was 
once beautiful, 
jaded, and scorned, 
mud beneath the pores
of something that
was once…alive.

I could make my
living or my death
between these sheets, 
and wash away the 
stains when I grew too
tired of that life, 
then I would but have
to move to the next life, 
and see what lays in store for me then.  

College.

I love it here. I'm happy here. It's one of the greatest places I've ever been and I'm having the time of my life, but growing up is hard. It's hard to not be around the people you care about most. It's hard to learn to live on your own. It's hard to have your heart broken and not be able to run over to your best friends house so she can make you feel better by hugging you and turning on Harry Potter.

Here.

I've never met this side of myself before.